Remembering

Today is September 25th. In a perfect world, my twin sons would turn 4 today. 

Like a lot of moms who have lost children, I keep a mental calendar. When I see 4 year olds at the park, I am thinking about my sons. I have a good idea what they would have looked like… I actually keep 2 calendars… one, if they had lived when they were born. Then, they would be 4 1/2 and probably have significant special needs… worse than R2, likely. The other one is my favorite. Today would be my due date… and if they had been born on time, they would be 4 and healthy.
Instead, they are ageless and perfect. It works out great for them… 
When I get to heaven, they might be full grown men. I used to rage against that idea.. I want to see their first steps! I want to hold babies! But over the years, as my heart-memory of them changes to 3 year olds, 4 year olds… I realize it will be okay to see them the age my mind has calculated.
Anyway, I know some might consider this a real downer of a post. I’m just letting you in on what September 25th means to me, every year.
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10 thoughts on “Remembering

  1. Jess says:

    Oh, and don’t forget to go see the picture of Josh’s new neice!

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  2. Anonymous says:

    Jess….is Leah still there? If so can you send my pump home to TX? Julie

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  3. Josharoo says:

    Not a downer. Thanks for being real and sharing. We all know it’s hard. I liked your line, “Instead, they are ageless and perfect. It works out great for them…”The harsh reality of fallen earth and perfect heaven.

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  4. Anonymous says:

    and soon a perfect earth!I love you Jessica! – Richy

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  5. My mom heart is sending hugs to your mom heart today. A bittersweet but really beautiful post. 🙂

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  6. Anonymous says:

    I like to think about them as little blonde guys with a great big Papaw! And Mr. Juan who really thinks they are great, and Jenn’s little twins and so many more.And if there are cameras up there, Mamaw snapping away and cuddling them loudly. What a place that must be! I love you, Mama

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  7. Josharoo says:

    Yes, soon a perfect earth!

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  8. Mama PC says:

    I actually thought of you and your perfect babes tonight – and spoke of them -Larry was telling a story of a missionary to South America whose child died, and he buried his child there, and how he believed that God would perform His will in that country because of the seed sown there… (my interpretation) It dawned on me also tonight, in a sad but rich way – that Lindsey and Brian’s baby was like a seed, planted, in a far away nation… that will spring up and gather the peoples unto The Lord of the Harvest….Somehow it seems it’s like our investment… it doesn’t make sense in frail human minds, but if we look beyond our pain and grief, His ways are higher than ours…and will use every single seed, every single act of faith, every single believing heart to accomplish His purposes…don’t know if I’m making any sense… but when i step up to a higher level of vision… it makes sense a new perfect worldwhere we will rule and reignwith Christ our Redeemer and Friend…

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  9. Gods ways are HIGHER than ours and we trust HIM.. He has Rees and Evan and they are happy and giggling and running and playing and looking forward to seeing you.

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  10. jennifer says:

    Jess your heart for your children is just so beautiful..Have you read the Shack? It is a very moving book I think you would like it a lot. It is a awesome way God helps us through loss. And it is fiction which I know you like.

    Like

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