I am having a hard time blogging today, because I am sad. Sad makes people uncomfortable.
I am sad because it is April, and I miss my dad.
I’m sad because I miss my sons who would be coming up on their 5th birthday in June.
And I am sad because I am freshly grieving R2, and the future.
I talked about this before, about seasons of recognizing old losses and new ones with him. Yesterday I took him to the doctor for his 9 year old checkup (he’ll be 10 in June. Oops) and it was just me and him. For most of the time he was in his own world, but when doctors started coming in he came and sat with me and held my arm. For a moment, I knew he needed me, and loved me. Most of the time he is so, so distant.
The appointment was fine. We are going to be referred to an ENT, because he failed a hearing test, (he hears fine, but something is wacky in his ears) and to a neuropsychologist, to try to get a grip on these violent self-injury fits. It was a strange appointment, because it’s the first one anyone ever talked about long-term care for him. We plan on him living with us all his life, but it’s just a little bit of a fresh blow to hear it again, that he will never be independent, barring a miracle.
So today, my heart is heavy. I’m hurting because life is not perfect, and there is suffering, and pain. Someday everything will be made right. Until then, my spirit will long for Eden.
Somehow, there is such a beauty in grief. I love, so I hurt.