i don’t wannnnna pray

I used to be hardcore. That means something different depending on the circles you run in. In our world, that means long road trips, sleeping on a blanket on the floor of a gym, fasting food and sometimes water for the sake of a cause, and pouring myself out for hours in prayer and worship and just standing in whatever weather, along with moving around the country and changing everything overnight because someone had a dream.

I had one kid back then, and he didn’t talk, and he ate whatever we put in front of him, and he giggled for 8 hours while we drove. I’d put him in a playpen with noise cancelling headphones during worship and he would play with 3 blocks for hours, if necessary.

Things have changed. The new guys, while amazing travelers, are normal kids. They gripe about the travel, the volume, the food. They melt down and attack each other when they don’t sleep. They try to escape childcare and play the barnacle with me, the boat. And somewhere in here, I have forgotten how to rough it. I don’t remember how to fast with tenacity. I don’t know how to, or really even want to, train the little ones to be quiet in church.

So I am trying to psyche myself up for this 21 day intensive in St Louis, where we’ll be fasting some, and leading worship, and praying, and dreaming. We even have a host home, with a kitchen and beds and everything! Still, I am dreading being out of my comfort zone, which is pretty wide…

When did I turn into a wuss?

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4 thoughts on “i don’t wannnnna pray

  1. You're totally not a wuss! It's just a new season…ANYONE with small children will find it difficult to be out of the norm, out of routine…it's normal! totally, totally normal. Just the fact that you're going proves you're not a wuss. 🙂

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  2. lisa says:

    I don't think yer a wuss…I won't even take mine across town to a prayer meeting these days. And like you, I'm not sure I know how to keep them quiet (short of bribery or threats – neither of which are that effective btw), nor do I really want to. I've been told that it gets better and its a season. I like this season. While I'm not "hardcore", God has used these little ones to "grow me up" more. And while time with him is limited to who is demanding my attention at the moment, He is always faithful to increase what time I give Him. Kinda like a widows mite thing, I guess. It's a small amount, but it's all I have and He honors it. Even if I only managed to make it through one song before I had to drag a whiny child out of the room, He uses that time to refresh me in that moment. Doesn't always happen, but it happens when I need it most it seems.

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  3. Kathy Carr says:

    This may be a totally worthless comment, but I had to comment. I 100% believe that God gives moms a bit of extra grace – if you had to fast a week to get an answer before, when you become a mom, He might bring that same answer to you during nap time (whatever that is…) I don't have a "regular" quiet time with God – I haven't since I had kids. But I do read a verse or two at a time. Or I latch on to something that spoke to me and read it until it's memorized. I pray when I'm spreading pb&j on the kids' sandwiches and when the kids are screaming and crawling on me (sometimes I pray "HELP!!"). Anyway, my point is, God knows our hearts – He knows we're tired and broken down before we've even begun to start. He'll meet you and He'll reward your efforts, whatever they end up being. 🙂 FWIW, I'll be praying for you!

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  4. CrystalD says:

    yeah thats why i just quit… lol ok don't listen to me! lol I feel your pain but my solution was to ditch all my ministry obligations and just be a mama who loves jesus and the people around me! =) but your commenting friends are right that grace is there! thank you JESUS we can talk the LIVING GOD while spreading PB&J or Wiping booties (and i don't mean boots)

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