I forgot about sleep. Well, really, I forgot about the lack of sleep. I talked myself through it months ago… “Listen, self. In a few months, there will be a baby, and you will never sleep at all, and you will feel like you’re going insane and maybe you need a divorce or at least a facelift and you will ask yourself where have all the flowers gone, but it will be because of NOT SLEEPING, so tell yourself to take it easy on yourself for a few months, and then it will get easier.” That’s a little glimpse into a veteran parent self pep-talk.
Despite my prep work, I forgot. Tristan sleeps 2 or 3 hours at a time, sometimes even more. Some of my other children ate every hour and a half, so this seems reasonable. And there I am, awake in the middle of the night, over and over, checking to see if anybody else is awake on Facebook and feeling okay. Really, in the middle of the night I feel like, no big deal, I’m awake now, I will be awake in 3 hours and then I will be awake all day, and it won’t be hard.
Then, at 7 am-ish, the other children come, with their sagging diapers and burning questions about the nature of God and eating habits of beavers, and demands for cereal. Lately, they’ve given up hope and started eating cheese sticks until some adult staggers downstairs. I lay there, with the baby now sleeping soundly and peacefully, and think, wow. This is gonna be tired.
I remember being mad, when the other kids were babies. Being awake made me angry. I don’t so much have that, this time. I just have denial. I feel fine, I tell myself. Totally normal. And then I find myself standing in front of the pantry, thinking. For a long time. And I could eat crackers, but they’re just so much work. Or I assess Toby, wearing jeans that are 2 sizes and 6 inches too small with a t-shirt and a pinstriped blazer, and shoes with no socks. It’s 34 degrees, I think, but that is kind of a jacket. Okay, that looks fine. I start sentences and can’t
I’m tired. I’m trying to be normal and write blogs and cook food, but it is so tired. It is so very worth it, and so very tired.