Human Baby™ Manual for New Dads

disclaimer: this is a general manual, and not directed, specifically, at anyone I am married to, specifically.

Congratulations! You are now the proud father of a Human Baby™! Human babies come in 2 basic models, Baby Boy and Baby Girl. You can identify your model by looking for product specifications, located inside your Baby’s diaper.

Troubleshooting Guide to your Human Baby™:

My baby is sleeping:
This is okay. Human Babies™ need a lot of sleep. This is a perfect chance for you to practice NOT yelling up the stairs, testing your guitar amp, or picking up the baby just because he is so cute.

My baby is crying and I can’t find my wife:
First, pick up your baby. Some Human Babies™ like to be held close to the chest, others prefer to be facing outward. Experiment with positioning your baby.

I am holding my baby and he/she is still crying:
Try standing up and walking around, while holding your baby. 

I stood up for a second, but the baby still cried. Can I just put him down and tweet my wife?

No. Your wife is probably busy, or she would be there, standing up holding the baby. See if the baby has a wet or dirty diaper. 

I don’t know how to change a diaper:

My baby does not appear to have a wet or dirty diaper, and he/she is still crying:
Perhaps your baby is hungry. You can prepare a bottle, either by following the instructions on a can of formula, or by following breastmilk reheating instructions, located in over 20,000 locations at

I fed my baby a bottle and then he/she threw up. I am ill. I think maybe I have the flu and I need my WIFE.
You are probably not that ill. Wait a minute and your wife will very likely finish the first shower she has worked in in 3 days.

My baby is asleep, and my wife will say, “See? Wasn’t that easy?” and it totally wasn’t easy:
Next time, maybe use a nanny-cam on yourself, so she can see your efforts and post them on her facebook page. 

Again, congratulations! Very soon your Human Baby™ will be a Human Toddler™! Buy the Upgrade Manual early and get a head start!


9 thoughts on “Human Baby™ Manual for New Dads

  1. Anonymous says:

    how many children must you have before mog gets a clue


  2. Jason says:

    lol. Perfect! Thanks.


  3. jess. you are awesome. 🙂


  4. Oh my goodness. TEARS I am laughing so hard.


  5. Anonymous says:

    jessica, I am a young man who hopes to have children someday soon. Any tips on how prepare myself for such a venture. Thanks, two turtle doves.


  6. Allison says:

    OMG that is hilarious. And totally true.


  7. Sherri says:

    That’s pretty funny.


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