disclaimer: this is a general manual, and not directed, specifically, at anyone I am married to, specifically.
Congratulations! You are now the proud father of a Human Baby™! Human babies come in 2 basic models, Baby Boy and Baby Girl. You can identify your model by looking for product specifications, located inside your Baby’s diaper.
Troubleshooting Guide to your Human Baby™:
My baby is sleeping:
This is okay. Human Babies™ need a lot of sleep. This is a perfect chance for you to practice NOT yelling up the stairs, testing your guitar amp, or picking up the baby just because he is so cute.
I am holding my baby and he/she is still crying:
Try standing up and walking around, while holding your baby.
I stood up for a second, but the baby still cried. Can I just put him down and tweet my wife?
I don’t know how to change a diaper:
My baby does not appear to have a wet or dirty diaper, and he/she is still crying:
Perhaps your baby is hungry. You can prepare a bottle, either by following the instructions on a can of formula, or by following breastmilk reheating instructions, located in over 20,000 locations at google.com
I fed my baby a bottle and then he/she threw up. I am ill. I think maybe I have the flu and I need my WIFE.
You are probably not that ill. Wait a minute and your wife will very likely finish the first shower she has worked in in 3 days.
My baby is asleep, and my wife will say, “See? Wasn’t that easy?” and it totally wasn’t easy:
Next time, maybe use a nanny-cam on yourself, so she can see your efforts and post them on her facebook page.
Again, congratulations! Very soon your Human Baby™ will be a Human Toddler™! Buy the Upgrade Manual early and get a head start!