going to church: or losing my religion

Saturday night, I say, “We ARE going to church tomorrow.” It is a statement of faith, and also lunacy. 
I wake up at 7:42, because I have somewhere to be in 3 hours, and my brain always thinks hours starting with 6 or 7 are good starting times. So. Very soon, small people have heard my breathing change from across the hall, or they got a bat-signal or something, and so they figured my life would be vastly improved by someone somersaulting on my bladder. I get up. The Man Of God sleeps peacefully, because it’s his morning to sleep in, and besides, we don’t have to be anywhere for 3 hours. I throw back one little comment as I leave the room with my horde of miniature humans, something really submissive and sweet, like, “Must be nice…” or something. 
I apply cereal and milk to the general population and then fall up the stairs to look for clean clothes, then two flights down, to the basement Dungeon of Terror, for other clean clothes. I start assembling outfits on the couch. They have finished their cereal and are now running in circles, screeching and laughing, flinging soggy Marshmallow Mateys. I start capturing one and then another, forcing them to have their diapers changed while the other ones jump gleefully over the heads of their fallen comrades. 
It would be so much easier if I could just dress them the night before, but kids are disgusting. The only way to ensure a clean outfit is to drive them around nekkid and then dress them IN their Sunday School classes. Birthday suits at church are frowned on, though. Puritans.
Once I have assembled 4 outfits in a row, I know it is time to find shoes. I have been fasting and praying in preparation for this moment. I find 4,325 shoes. Single ones. I find 10 matching pairs of shoes that don’t fit any of the children that live in my home. In my head, I am saying cuss words, but only God and the devil know. 
The MOG stumbles by, sweeping his hands out blindly for the coffeepot. I say something supportive and godly, like, “Nice of you to join us…” He offers his support, right after he does 5 other things and drinks his coffee and visits the 3rd heavens. “We don’t have to be there for an HOUR, anyway,” he says. God and the devil, they know. 
I return to my couch to find all of the clothes have been ransacked, offered to Bacchus in hedonistic rituals. Also, someone smells funny and someone else has lost their diaper. 
Because I am a good, Christian, churchgoing woman, I only threaten violence and rivers of blood, and then I dress and assist-dress all of my young, and put their shoes on, while they cry out to the earth to swallow them up. It is finished. 
And then, suddenly, there he is. Helpful, attentive. Ready to serve. I say some other mature things, which he responds to with MORE maturity, and we TALK all the way to church, about our relationship, and the things that make marriage such a FUN RIDE. 
In the parking lot, I say some more things to help our love grow, and he doesn’t respond, because we’ve done enough relationship-building. We check 3/4 of the children into class and meet at the front row. And then, somehow, we’re both laughing. 
Church. They who endure to the beginning will be saved. 
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11 thoughts on “going to church: or losing my religion

  1. Deanna says:

    Your blog is one of the few that literally makes me LOL.

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  2. -liz- says:

    lol. yay for reality…and grace. glad you made it!

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  3. Anonymous says:

    You're funny, girl!

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  4. Anonymous says:

    Was this your house or mine? LOL I love it so true! ! From the cereal "Marshmallow Mateys" yes I am a bargin shopper also to the part of "In my head, I am saying cuss words, but only God and the devil know." LOL but I think my favorite part was when you talked about the MOG and the love between ya in sunday mornings. I know this love where in my house as my MOG sleeps then he awakes to ask, Why are you so stressed? Now isnt that funny? You get it thanks for the great way to start my week with a real laugh 🙂 Be blesed this week, ChristinaQuotes from jessclark.tx Read more: http://radiantjess.blogspot.com/2012/03/going-to-church-or-losing-my-religion.html#ixzz1oGDPSwNG

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  5. Anonymous says:

    Wow! You did it! I remember having 5 ranging from about 6 months to 17 and your Dad and I had such meaningful relational heart to hearts on the 45 minute drive in which I would turn around to the backseat and check for decent clothing ensembles and there were usually 3 out of five who were relatively presentable and one who had had to fend for Her/himself and could have been dropped off at the homeless shelter.Those were good days. I never got too much more efficient and both God and the devil know it! mama

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  6. My pastor hubby just sent this to me knowing this is my life 3 days a week when I'm not working and he is. Thank you so much. Cried cause I was laughing cause that's exactly exactly how it is.

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  7. Anonymous says:

    You see things properly. I like what you have written. I laughed. I am so glad you prevailed over the attacks of the enemy.My daughter is Tracie Loux. I see why youu are good friends,Papa

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  8. Anonymous says:

    that. was. awesome.

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  9. OMG!!! Yes, yes – TOTALLY! Does that say enough??? The shoe thing – that's one of my biggest dilemmas – no matches and the ones that do don't fit ANYBODY!!! How does that happen??? Yep – that's a silent cussing moment. Ha!And that relationship-building – yep!Thanks, Jessica! You gave me a good laugh!Wendy

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  10. Anonymous says:

    so, so funnyJenn's Mom

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  11. Alli says:

    Love it, Jess. So. True.Especially about the wonderful help our dear men provide.

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