You gotta know when to hold em.

I wake up full of ideas. Today, I think, I am gonna get some stuff done. For one thing, my laptop has gone to the valley of the shadow of death, so I am using the kid’s computer, and the space bar only works when it feels like it, which is seriously cramping my style, since I make liberal use of spaces.

And another thing, the Man of God and I have birthdays coming up and I am throwing a costume party for us. I say “I” am throwing it, because I can count on his involvement 2 hours prior to the first guest’s arrival, where he will come out of a semi-holy stupor and be completely horrified to learn we live in a hovel. So with the computerlessness and the need for costuming, I have work to do.

I took a 2 day break after spending 2 hours typing those paragraphs. Then my favorite mother in law came to town and I have commandeered her computer and am now typing like a sedate madwoman. Anyway, that day, I decided to knock out a series of errands including a grocery run and the fabric store, along with a bunch of other stuff.

Some days you have it. You hit the stores and no one is hungry or distraught, and their braids stay in and they talk kindly to each other and tell Bible verses to the cashier and people stop me and compliment me on their behavior and I take pride in my clearly excellent parenting skills. This was not that day.

I should have seen it coming, with the crying and the morning meltdowns, but I forged ahead, like one of those Lifetime movie ladies who is totally dying and everyone knows it but she’s all like, “Next Christmas (*cough*cough), we’ll make fruitcake, little Jessie…” I made it through approximately 3 aisles before Tristan decided he had had it with Walmart and shopping carts in general and started screaming, “VITAMIN! VITAMIN!” which meant, clearly, that he wanted candy and would not be thwarted in his efforts to get it. Toby and Brynn, invigorated by the screaming noises, decided to take on some footraces in the tea area, where none of the senior citizens found them cute or interesting. “Guys,” I called weakly, “Tristan, hush! Just a minute, just a… guys! watch out for peop- Oh, I am so sorry, I am sorry, guys. COME HERE.” 

You think, after parenting this long, I’d know when to call it quits. But no, I just dragged Nutsy McBasketCase and the Manic Twins through the entire store, which was full to the brim with senior citizens, dour ones. I need to figure out which day is the Cheery Senior Sale, and hit that one next time.

After juggling a screeching toddler through the checkout and rescuing the general public from the other 2 for an hour or so in the checkout line, we wailed our way to the car and then straight home on the Scream Express. What about the library? you ask. What about the fabric store, the thrift shop? What about the speed limit? Yeah, what about those things…

gratuitous link to another walmart story here.

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One thought on “You gotta know when to hold em.

  1. Becky D. says:

    Thanks I needed a laugh. I'm up at 1am with an 11 month old who is getting another tooth I guess. At least he's playing happily instead of the day of fuss and screams we had earlier. My almost 6 yr old is a wee bit "active"and sensitive to overstimulation and I really need to know just not to take that child to Walmart ever. Aldi is great small she can run around the whole store and still find me. Kroger works as long as the samples are out by the deli. Walmart NO she can outrun me on the long stretches when she takes off to see the fish when I'm trying to just get some toothpaste or shampoo. Of course I'm slowed down with the baby and the cart.I used my command voice last time to tell her to stop and I had at least 4 moms poke their heads at the end of aisle to see what a child had done to get THAT VOICE from her mother. Must check on baby now and see what he has found on the floor and put in his mouth so far.

    Like

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