on hold

“Thank you for calling Bank of Stupidity, we appreciate your call. For your convenience, we will use an automated hypersensitive robot female to mishear you. Is that okay?”
“NO.”
“I’m sorry, did you say Billing? Transferring you now.”
“I…” 
“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that. Please choose from the following options, ‘Saturday’, ‘German’ or ‘Obstetrician’.”
“CUSTOMER SERVICE”
“Okay, you’d like to speak to Customer Service. Is that right?”
“YES. Please for the love of God…”
“Did you say ‘Pork Chops’? Your approximate wait time is 94 minutes. Please be patient, you are so important to us. We at Bank of Stupidity live for the sound of your soft breathing. Our customer service representatives are eager to assist you, manic to assist you. Please do not hang up, you are the one bright light in this dismal existence. Our customer service representatives consider you the wind beneath-“
“Mama?” 
“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you like to be redirected to a representative from India?”
“Maama. Maaaaaaaaama. Maaaaaaa-“
“NO”
“MAAAAAAAAA-“
“Transferring you to India now. Your hold time is 94 minutes. Please remember your ticket number ‘FSFBV1DDC’ so you can repeat it to your representative who knows 14 English words.”
(soft weeping)
“Did you say Customer Service? Please hold. Our customer service representatives are talking to someone they have no affection for while they wait to talk to you. Please enjoy this collection of hit Slayer songs played on harpsichord and triangle while you wait. Your hold time is 106 minutes.”

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2 thoughts on “on hold

  1. Anonymous says:

    Thanks for the laugh.Jenn's Mom

    Like

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