It’s not like I go around all the time thinking how smart I am. I don’t. Most of the time I am thinking about food. Like mashed potatoes, for example, or cheese enchiladas or glazed donuts from Shipley’s in my hometown. Not all together, mind you. Well, it could work as some kind of 3 course deal. Food (rim shot) for thought.
That’s usually it. Food, then other stuff. But I know I’m smart, because I can read good. Also, I got jokes. The point is, I don’t think about it, I just navigate life at my own speed and I rarely run into obstacles with my mind, although I hit things with my car on a frequent basis. So not with my mind, until you start throwing numbers at me. Then everything gets all slo-mo and melty like an acid trip in a made-for-TV movie, and all of the sudden I’m brought low, just another casualty of taking some speed and racing the train, and you know how that goes. No carful of teens has ever outraced a train, in the history of acid and made-for-TV movies. Sometimes there’s one survivor, but she will never be the same, so don’t take acid, kids. MATH. That’s what I’m talking about.
Today I was trying to do math for one of my jobs, which is working for my husband’s nonprofit, and I think I simultaneously quit, got fired, and filed for divorce. It was not pretty. Because math. In high school, I was getting high A’s in every subject and pretty much phoning it in so I could graduate and marry the Worst Boss Ever, except all of the math-related classes. In Geometry, I had to go to the Tiger Den, a nice quiet room with tutors and padded walls, so I could do my test without breaking down in tears. I came for extra tutoring at lunch and did every assignment and passed with a 70. Because math.
If you don’t have this problem, then you’re probably like some people I know who live in my house, and you’re probably all like, “Just take that hypotenuse and put it over that inverted fraction and then click enter,” and I WILL QUIT YOUR COMPANY, TOO. Give me words.
The point is, math is the worst. If you like it, that’s because you are one of the called who is required to understand it. I bet you can’t spell. Can’t we all just get along?