I don’t know what happened, guys. Maybe I blacked out. Last thing I remember, I boiled the fish, and somehow now I have two cats. Unrelated, maybe you think. Word associations or something. No, it’s a pet thing. We had an indestructible fish which I inadvertently cooked while changing the water, and then I said, we can’t have nice things and also we can’t have pets, because of Mommy. Remember that? In fact, we were given a robotic plastic fish for Christmas, because people know about us.
And then I got a kitten, because these children have short-circuited me, and I keep being all Romans 7 and doing the things I don’t want to do and WHO WILL FREE ME FROM THIS HOUSE OF CATS? Anyway. We got this kitten, and she’s really, truly dumb. I have had a smart cat before- she is not a smart cat. If we move her food or her litter box she gets really confused and she has no choice but to poop in the shag rug and eat breakfast cereal from the table. Not that I have breakfast cereal left on the table, because I clean up after myself and my offspring instantly. But you know.
So She-Who-Must-Be-Stupid kept leaving fecal deposits around and let me tell you something, young wives of America: fecal deposits are going to be your life someday. You have no idea how much of your world will revolve around trying to keep people and animals and their feces all in specified locations and timeframes. It will rule you, for a time and a time and a half-time, and then Jesus will come back. I’m not sure about the actual timeframe, because, mostly I just read about potty-training, not timeframes.
This one day, there was a lot of psychotic breaking and screaming because of these unauthorized deposits and after I got too hoarse to scream anymore, I told the internet I don’t want this cat-somebody-come-get-this-cat-right-now and a lot of people were all like, well, change her litter box once in a while and other people were like, I want your cat.
I broke the news to the family and intercession was made on her behalf. “I will change the litter box every 30 minutes,” says Toby and “Tristan loves her so much, ” says the MOG, and “…maybe we could just get a fish,” says the daughter after my own heart. So we kept the cat and she hasn’t had any more accidents, maybe I called her bluff.
But the second cat… I don’t know, he came around and I guess I was already broke down because of all the first cat and he was a very friendly stray. I bought him a sweater and left town. When we came back he was still around and so we had both cats “get a shot” so there wouldn’t be any baby cats. (Yeah, *I* know it’s not a shot). So now they are siblings, see? Because the more cats, the better.
It all makes perfect sense if you’re completely insane.